My Recovery

Inspiration for the today

2007-09-20T07:13:00.001-07:00

Many people go
from one thing to another
searching for happiness
but with each new venture
they find themselves more confused and less happy
until they discover what they are searching for is inside themselves
and what will make them happy is
sharing their real selves with the ones they love
-Susan Polis Schutz

School

2007-09-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

School is beginning and all of my friends are leaving. It makes me sad, but it also will give me time to focus on my school work and my work. I am also working a part time weekend job to go along with my life skills work. Then with beginning school I will definitely have my hands tied. I am nervous for classes because so far I have not done well in school. I am usually excited for about a week then it goes to not wanting to do it at all. But it should be different this time because I am taking classes I am very interested in learning about. But either way next Wed. is the big day.

Update

2007-09-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have not written much lately. I will try to be better about that. I absolutely love my job. It has taught me a lot about myself. It is requiring me to commit a lot of my time to this job even outside of work. I am learning patience and compassion. I am working in life skills class and it is amazing.

Another Step Forward

2007-09-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I begin my new job tomorrow morning 8:30 AM. I am so nervous I have made myself sick over it. I have no idea why. Maybe because this is an important professional job. But at the same time I am wonderfully excited about it! Wish me luck. I am so excited about the direction I am heading. I so badly want time to go quicker so I can reach my goals but I know that the in between time will teach me everything I will need to know.

My Daily Struggles

2007-09-12T21:39:00.001-07:00

My recovery is an on going daily struggle. I spend each day striving to better myself and thinking through each decision I make. I was hired today for an amazing job that is putting me in the direction toward a healthy and successful life. I am so excited to really begin this journey. I am scared because going to school and working full time with another part time job will tie me down, and I don't even want to think about a social life. This is scary but I know if I work really hard now it will soon pay off. And not only with the financial success but the emotional success too.

Instead of trying so hard to be different, make a difference and you will stand out more!

2007-09-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

Once I returned home from recovery it was difficult for me to adjust to the idea of everyone still doing what they always do. I suppose I was expecting the world to stop what they were doing since I had to put down everything and go into recovery. I was off to a slow start, because I was unsure where I was going to fit in. I was going to a small town where everyone knew what had happened. I was nervous to learn how people would treat me and if people would want to talk about it, because I surely did not. It took me awhile to figure out where I was going in life too. I wanted so badly to be successful and did not know how without giving up everything I believed in. I learned that I did not have to change myself from wanting to be different I just had to turn it into something meaningful and important and show my difference in a way that was not rebelling in attitude or style, but by showing what i can and will do in order to make a difference. Now I am planning to go to school study human behavior/ human services and go into addictions counseling so I can help those who are given that last chance to find success.

The First Step

2007-09-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

At the end of May 2007 I was sick and alone. I mean I had my so called "friends" but I was without anyone who cared if I was dying or ruining my life. My best friend from high school showed up at my house and told me she wasn't going to let me ruin my life. So she told my parents. When I talked to them they said they couldn't make me get help but they were going to be at my door as soon as I asked. I was scared, frustrated, sick, and angry. I knew I was unable to defeat this addiction on my own. So I asked for help, and three hours later they were at my door with a trailer, packed up my apartment, and took me home. I kicked the addiction at home cold turkey. It was the worst thing I have ever done. It hurt so bad mentally and physically, because the cocaine make your brain crazy and heroin make your body hurt like hell. One week later I admitted myself into a drug and alcohol addiction hospital. I had been preparing myself for a week to go in but once it was time to go I was scared to death. I didn't want to go spend 3 weeks with a bunch of strangers while I am trying to recover from an addiction. But after being there for a few hours I was at home. These people were just ordinary people with problems. We were no different. For once in my life everyone was the same. We were all there for the same reason, and it made me feel more confident.

Today

2007-08-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

I stopped sleeping. I am angry with Nathan. How could he quit. I called Sally today and ended up breaking her heart too (she was in rehab with us to, and ended up very close to both of us). I had insomnia for years and then about a month ago I finally was able to sleep again. After this devastation I couldn't. I just miss him. Maybe I am taking this to personal, I know his family and close friends are also devestated. He had a problem. And he was unable to control it. I am scared to be happy. I feel guilty about being happy with out him. He always made me happy, he always knew how to make me laugh. After about 3 days of being in rehab and about 3 nights of staying up late and talking he knew I was sad and really need this treatment or I would die. He helped me through it and mad me laugh, really laugh for my first time in almost a year. He started talking funny and spitting food everywhere just to make me laugh, and I laugh now just thinking about it. He was such an amazing and giving friend. We learned so much from each other. I wish I could have done more for him. Or have been there for him. I don't know how to handle this!

Thank you for today

2007-08-29T22:05:00.003-07:00

Today I was devastated. Being in rehab was a scary and very difficult thing. I was scared to be alone with no one i knew learning how to get back on track, get off drugs, and come to realization of what had happened. I met these people there and most of them came to be someone I will keep in my heart forever. They touched my life in so many ways. They knew me on this different intense level. They saw me at my ABSOLUTE worst. They were there to listen to me and encourage me and learn from me. I was twenty years old and everyone out aged me by about ten years at least except for this boy Nate. He was 19 and we had so much in common. He was an inspiration for me. He was so intelligent and I learned from him. Out of everyone I met there I took most from him. He knew me better than anyone and understood me more than anyone. A month and a half after being released he passed away. I found out today. My heart is already on the mend and this took me back so much further. I am so scared for him. I loved him so much. He was such a wonderful person. I am scared most because I am still unsure what my beliefs are about religion. It scares me to know that I don't know where this wonderful amazing person is. He is only 19. He is too young, he had so much in life going for him! He is the first friend I have lost. The only other person close to me was my grandfather who just died a month ago. This is all coming at me to fast. I don't know how to take it all in yet. I am not strong enough. I don't know how to let go. The last year has thrown a number of unfortunate events at me. But after today I realized that it is not just towards me, Everyone is heart broken over this. Its life. And it is hard. But I know I can do it. There is no turning back the life I used to live. I have to do this for me and Nate. Thank you for today!

Rest In Peace my dear friend! I will carry you in my heart!

It only gets worse

2007-08-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

After Cole left Boo moved in. We were best friends. She had just moved to the city from Hawaii and I from the other side of the state. We were together trying to find our place in the world. Unfortunately I got lost. After the boys moved in the stress became intense. There was a lot of fighting. The boys had no respect and were not ready to be adults. They both eventually lost there job and we were there to support them. I spent all my money that I had saved on them. I just did not want to see someone have nothing. So I tried to give everything. Things were getting hard on me and I began to ignore my heart/instinct. I had this feeling my boyfriend was cheating on me and I also had a feeling he was doing drugs. I felt like I was going crazy. I would believe he was doing this and told him with him turning it around on me and making me look like the fool. My cure was heroin. I started using and it was the only thing to make the feeling numb. I loved not being able to feel. But then not feeling was the only way, whether it was good or bad. I was unable to be happy, proud, excited, but worst of all I was unable to love and be loved. It got worse. I gave up my identity. I gave up my dreams. I was angry with my boyfriend because he was addicted and he knew how horrible it was and what it had done to him and let me get caught up. How could someone do that. But he is not to blame. I can only blame myself. I knew I was hurting Boo. I was lying to her, taking money that she did not have nor did she really owe. But i needed it. couldn't bare the pain of withdrawal. I could see sadness in her eyes but I couldn't care. I held a grudge. She knew he was cheating on me and allowed it. I felt she chose him over my friendship. But I know that I should have been a better person. I know I should not have stooped so low. But I did. Now I cannot regret my past. I have learned from it and now want to help others so they do not make the same mistakes I did. I was lucky I survived the addiction. Some are not as lucky.

what have i done!

2007-08-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I was so proud of myself on first arrival to the big city. Everyone doubted my new adventure but I was out to prove them wrong. I was doing great at first. I moved down there with a friend. We moved in with her parents for a month until we saved enough money to get our own apartment. We were so excited to get our own place. We loved it. I started hanging out with a girl from work and letting her crash out our house without paying any money. They were both my best friend, and I guess Cole thought I was ditching her. I didn't mean to hurt her, but sometimes I do that. It was definitely unintentional. She eventually moved out. I ended up acting angry at her but it wasn't her I was really mad at. I blamed myself for being selfish. Because that was not who I was. I would never want to hurt anyone and yet, I did. But the truth is I am happy she moved out when she did. Because if she would have waited I would have ended up hurting her worse than I did and exposing her to something no one should ever have to endure.

How it all started

2007-08-25T15:18:00.001-07:00

I am not sure where to begin. At the beginning of June 2007 I entered a recovery center to treat my drug addiction. I am twenty years old and I was trying to be a grown up and do things on my own, but it turned I was as far away from being a grown up as I possibly could be. I grew up in a small town and once i graduated high school I was off to the big city learn the way the world worked. Then reality kicked in and I had a run of bad luck. I got my credit cards stolen, my car got broke into, a car accident, and other issues. I became angry and felt as if it was the only thing I could do to make the pain go away, and it worked for a short time. But it did not make the problems go away it only made them worse. I had become a slave to heroin and cocaine. I was a week away from being homeless and had no money left to my name. I was in an unhealthy relationship and my friendships were sinking. I was physically and mentally unhealthy. I was very sick and very angry. I was chasing a high to rid this painful feeling. I did not want to be high anymore, I wanted to quit so bad, but addiction is a powerful thing and the drugs had taken control of my life. I had nothing left.